A Contemplation of All the Severed Connections in which People are Too Afraid to Talk to Each Other.

We live in a time where social media is extremely prevalent in our lives. It enables us to communicate with one another no matter where we are in the world. As long as we have internet connection and a device, we are never unreachable. We can connect with people globally. In theory it sounds amazing but why is it the reality, its effect has turned out to be the opposite? It has reduced in person to person contact and because we have so much control over who we want to reply to or who to talk to, its became the perfect tool to disconnect.

If we were having a conversation with someone face to face, it would be deemed rude to just walk away mid-conversation without an explanation or a word, however, with social media, it is so easy to just stop the conversation mid-way and simply not reply. Silence becomes tool and a very hurtful one at that. I have had my fair share of experiences with people who simply do not know how to communicate. A lot of people I know would label themselves as 'non-confrontational' but there is a big difference with being 'non confrontational' and refusing to communicate as an act of self preservation whether that is dodging uncomfortable conversations, arguments or risking the attempt of hurting another person's feelings. However, I can confidently say the most hurtful experiences I've had were not because of these things but in fact silence.

It's funny because not too many months ago, I was hyper aware of how emotionally unavailable I was on so many scales. I had been hurt too many times by so many people I loved and cared for deeply and I was determined to do everything I could to prevent ever being in that position again. I knew that wasn't quite possible so I at least hoped I wouldn't be in a position of hurt for at least a decent amount of time. Sometimes I think maybe hearts like mine are just meant to be broken because despite using my best efforts to prevent such a thing, here I am again.

Sometimes you meet people in life and you connect and you start to care for them even when you're in a place where there was seemingly no room for you to care for another person when you are so broken and disconnected from yourself. But sometimes all it takes is for one saturated person to come into your monochromatic world to make you feel something. I've spent so much of my time preparing for the inevitable hurt I would feel yet a huge lesson that I have learnt since then is that no matter how hard you try to control how you feel, these things are completely out of our hands. That feeling when you wake up and for thirty seconds you have no recollection of the hurt you've been carrying feels so glorious but then it all comes rushing back and you spend the rest of your day with your chest feeling tight and you cling onto the next time you wake up and feel those thirty seconds again.

I know that the best way to learn in life is through uncomfortable and painful experiences and what this has taught me is that there is no point in trying not to get hurt and to hold yourself so closely because at the end of the day these things will happen regardless so you might as well enjoy the ride and if you get hurt at the end of it, at least you had fun because preparing for the inevitable only causes you to hurt prematurely. We as humans need to learn to communicate with each other because it's the uncomfortable conversations and experiences that enable growth. The kindest thing you can do to someone is to simply let them know how you feel whether good or bad because then there is no room for ambiguity and the not knowing. The brain is a powerful thing and when mine is ignorant to a situation I know I impacted, I tend to drive myself to insanity just a little bit before I am left with no choice but to forget about it. I have many people I would love to talk to that are no longer in my life that holds the answers to questions that have haunted me for a long time but the harsh reality is, people are selfish and are too afraid to just say what's on their mind. Even if I initiated a conversation which I would have no problem with doing, without the guarantee of a reply or an honest response, I know its best I just leave it be. Everyone has been hurt before and I understand that but I just wish they cared enough not to hurt me as deeply as they have by simply communicating.

I remember seeing a video where someone was talking about how you share moments with people and sometimes moments are all they were meant to be and to try desperately to recreate them or elongate them out, it can spoil those moments. So here I am just trying to remember these moments I've had with people and make peace with the fact that they were only meant to be moments. Have gratitude that they were positive times and try and let go of the negativity of the expectations I held that didn't happen or were severed prematurely. We all deserve conversations that are never going to happen and questions that will never be answered so I have to make peace with that and reserve some of the love and kindness that I have spent so long giving to other people for myself.

With that being said, I can't sit here and pretend like I am the best at communicating because life has consistently thrown painful experiences one after the other at me but I know that I always came out stronger every time. I guess a big reason I wrote this post was for me and to let myself know that its time to stop being afraid.

Until next time,

Nicole