Happy Valentines Day to Me.

(my favourite space in the world where I have spent so much time exploring who I am within these four walls)

I have been extremely aware that the last time I've written a blog post, it was somewhere in November which is about four months ago and throughout these past four months I have had moments where I thought about writing but was at crossroads on what to write about. I didn't see a point in forcing inspiration when writing my past posts typically came so easily to me. It seems fitting, however, that today of all days did I feel inspiration surge me. February 14th. Valentines Day. A day where people in relationships (loving or not) feels the compulsive desire to terrorise social media making proclamations of love that are otherwise absent on any other day of the year whilst bitter, mean spirited singletons try to block out every single moment of this one godforsaken day that highlights their singleness.

I spent the better part of the past few days preparing for today the way one would have prepared for food rations back in wartime. I bought all my groceries, did all the necessary bits and bobs to ensure that I can stay at home all day today to avoid seeing loved up people in the streets. Funnily enough, when I woke up today and did my morning scroll of instagram and seeing the first round of "happy valentines day, my love" posts, I found that the bitterness and envy I was anticipating, was as nowhere near as powerful as the previous years. In fact, I will be celebrating Valentines Day today for the first time ever. It wasn't so much that I was celebrating love because it was February 14th but more because I realise this was what I have already been practising for the better part of the past few months. I have been romancing myself.

When you're in an awkward stage between leaving university and trying to figure out what on earth you are going to do for 'the rest of your life', it can be extremely debilitating. I remember going to University thinking by the end of my three years, I will know exactly what I want to do with my career and enter a job directly after. I find solace in knowing just about everyone who finishes uni leaves just as confused as the day they first started. With no degree, no direction and subsequently no job after I quit my retail job due to feeling immense dissatisfaction and fatigue with life, I was officially lost. As someone who struggles with patience and relaxing, I spent the first month and a half finding myself spiralling a little bit more into a poorer mental state of mind. Applying to various jobs only to hear nothing back all whilst not being quite sure which industry I wanted to enter, I felt dejected and hopeless.

Somewhere along the way, I decided moping about and doing nothing with my days had to stop. I had all this time in the world and instead of celebrating my lack of commitments, I was wearing myself out by forcing myself to aimlessly wonder about without exploring other parts of who I am. I signed up for a pottery taster session, pilates, reconnecting with the fundamental part of me that loves to read and exploring new genres of books and trying new recipes. Simply through chasing things that I was interested in and wanted to explore, I found myself doing things that were authentic to who I am in parts of me that I didn't even realise existed. In the way I was dejected by my lack of social life in a new city and my lack of career goals, I realised the things I lacked enabled me to dig deep into who I am as a person to my core and along the way, the answers I so desperately sought to these big life questions became increasingly more apparent to me.

A big turning point was when I went to a cafe with the full intention of enjoying a nice hot latte with a book and then leaving when I felt it was time to go back home. However, I decided to order a salad as I realised I hadn't eaten all morning and I was trying to get better at listening to what my body needed as opposed to using caffeine as a substitute for a meal. It wasn't until I was halfway through my lunch that I realised I was having a meal all by myself surrounded by people and I didn't felt self conscious about it whatsoever. In my time in solitude I had a newfound confidence and self assurance that I didn't have before.

My time being unemployed is ending soon as I have been accepted into a training program with an organisation that I am excited to join and I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks of being completely untethered to any responsibility to anyone else but myself. Whilst I do find myself mourning what seemed like an endless surplus of free time, I am ready to gain more structure to my life. I am so grateful for these past few months as it has taught me several extremely valuable lessons about myself and who I am that will shape the way I face the next chapter.

For now, I will spend today reading, cooking, dancing in my room in my underwear alone with my music played through my speaker and reaching for my bedside drawer because I will be celebrating the love I have discovered for myself in the past few months and continuing romancing the person I have grown to become.

(Besides, the V in V-Day can always be substituted ;))

Nicole x