Hookup Culture: My Experience and Why It No Longer Serves Me.

So for the past seven months I have been engaging in the rather unriveting world of hookup culture and found myself on a random Wednesday the middle of May that I have had enough. As someone who's sexual experience started a little later in my life, I felt that I needed to catch up with my peers around me but it very quickly turned into something else. It has made the patriarchy feel very real and it has made me reflect a lot on the society we live in. I started engaging in hookup culture thinking that this is exactly what I needed. I can meet someone who I am attracted to, hookup with them and not have to deal with the messiness of commitment, emotions and vulnerability (all of which I was unwilling to give). It was so appealing to me to have all the sex and none of the 'relationship-y' stuff that my emotionally unavailable self was terrified of. Seems simple enough. It wasn't until I had one too many encounters where my pleasure was neglected and was all focused on the man's. Now here's not to say I blame anyone because I am at fault too. During this period of time, I lost myself and had absolutely no idea what I wanted so I played the part of being a perfect product of the male gaze. I didn't necessarily care about my own pleasure to begin with and I certainly had no idea what I actually wanted in the bedroom.

In one of my most recent encounters (which paid a huge part as to why I am putting a stop to this lifestyle), it was from a boy who would not stop calling me at midnight. He would add and unadd me on Snapchat and Instagram whenever he saw fit and when he was 'in the mood' he would not stop pestering me. I had managed to ward him off twice, however, this third time I caved despite saying no multiple times as it was late and I was actually feeling rather low that day. However, me with my boundary issues, I couldn't fully say no. Lets just say I did all the work and he didn't even have sex with me. He didn't even bother trying to hide the fact he did not care about my pleasure and was just there to use me and not do anything in return. When he was finished, he just got up and left. I was already thinking about deleting all my dating apps and just really start to focus on myself and I think this was truly the last straw.

Now I'm not here to point fingers and make anyone feel bad because the one thing that has truly failed us all is our society and the chokehold the patriarchy has on all of us still. It is doing women a great disservice but it isn't exactly helping men either. The patriarchy is failing all of us. In this modern day world it is increasingly more difficult to truly connect to people on a deeper level whether platonically or romantically despite the growing emphasis on mental health advocacy. In all honesty, I have met so many different people the past seven months and I am sure they are all great in their own way, however, I have now realised that physically connecting with someone does not benefit me if it doesn't involve emotional connection one way or another. I was so desperately trying to fill a void in me without realising that just because I was connecting with people on a physical level didn't mean that it would replace all the inner wounds that I needed to heal within myself.

So I guess that brings me back to the idea of mental health. How are we to preach about mental health advocacy when we are simultaneously living in a world that celebrates meaningless interactions with strangers just avoid being in touch with our emotional needs? Just a little food for thought...

As a side note: this is MY experience with it. I am not saying it is a universal experience nor am I here to dissuade anyone from doing what they want with their life, its just something I have been pondering for a while.

Nicole