Retracting the Invitation I Never Sent to Treating Me as a Sexual Object.

TW/briefly mentions r*** (only mentioned but here's a warning nonetheless)

I don't think I was ever prepared for the trajectory of growing up from a little girl into a woman and I don't mean the physical changes but the moment I started seeing the world my youthful innocence had protected from me for so long. I was exactly 13 years old when I discovered what feminism was and that was the age I proudly called myself a feminist. However, as time progressed and as my naivety faded away, I started to really feel, understand and absorb just how much the world hates anyone and anything that goes against the patriarchal standard.

In my last post I talked about the slut shaming I was subjected to by posting my sexual history but I didn't talk about the other side of it. Whilst many men decided my value was essentially worthless because I enjoyed sex, there were also many who saw it as an opportunity or invitation. However, they were much less public about this. Instead, they took to DMing me on instagram either asking to up my bodycount, if I sold nude pictures or my snapchat. Because clearly a woman who enjoys sex will just sleep with anyone who's willing. Whilst I participated in hookup culture as a result of trauma and used it an unhealthy manner, I would still pick and choose who I wanted to sleep with.

A lot of people like to throw around the phrase "get some self respect' a lot as if it's so easy. Children are easily influenced and most of the people I know has been heavily impacted by the people we were surrounded growing up whether it be a parent/caregiver or our peers at school or someone we looked up to that had creating lasting effects on our perception of ourselves. People are always their own harshest critic yet we are just told to get self respect as if it is innate within us. I know at least personally, finding self respect is a huge journey for me because I wasn't exactly shown a lot of it growing up. That wasn't a reflection of who I was but a reflection of people I was surrounded by and their capacity. By me showing myself the utmost lack of respect, it started my journey into realising my worth and how much I truly deserved and whilst I don't recommend anyone to have done what I did, I don't regret it because it is apart of my own personal journey and I wouldn't be where I am without it.

However, that doesn't mean it validates other people not respecting me. Respect is a basic human right and you should approach everyone with respect unless they've given you a reason otherwise. That number was not an invitation for people to objectify me and to approach me like I wasn't human. Imagine randomly going up to someone in person saying "we would make beautiful kids" or "got the handcuffs ready as well" or "let me eat it" without even a hello. You wouldn't... yet the mask of social media makes people think they can approach anyone without even a hello and say these things to.

Why is it that the feminine experience is to be afraid of getting raped and murdered once the sky starts darkening and you have to walk home alone. Why is it that I have to tell my friends to message me when they're home safe so I know they're alive? Why is it everything I wear a low-cut top I have to walk out knowing many men will be looking at my breasts in a disrespectful manner. I have many things to offer in this world yet my body is apparently the only one that matters. I am only 21 and I am so tired and so disillusioned with the world we live in and my life has barely begun. I am left with so much anger and rage but in all honesty this stems from fear. I have always been outspoken, ambitious, and independent and the world we live in right now, has no space for women that are any of those things. We have to work for everything twice as hard because any success we harbour will also be faced with backlash.

My openness with my sexuality is not an invitation for treating me less than a human. I am more than a sexual fantasy and just because I am comfortable with openly talking about sex does not mean I am comfortable with being treated less than a human. I have so much more to me than my appearance and whilst my life experiences has led to me to be a naturally distrusting and closed off person, if you want to catch my attention maybe start with a conversation and treating me like a person.

Yes, I'm tired but it doesn't mean I won't stop fighting. It's a part of being a woman...but for now please just treat me like the human being I am.

Nicole